calebs journal!!!

so, I should be updating a lot, since I haven't in such a long time... but instead, I'm just going to make it a small, more important update.

I live out by port townsend now. theres no pavement to skate on, and it sucks. thats life.
I start O.C. on the... 2nd, I think? of january, anyways. then after one quarter I transfer to the art institute. might have to find a way to move to seattle... roommates, anyone?

thats about all that I can think of thats important that has happened in the past few months. fun, eh?

so, theres been this poem floating around on peoples myspace bulletins... I saw it enough times for it to piss me off, seeing as in my experience its not true... so I made my own. anyways, here ya are: first, I'll put the original version... then mine.

"Boston girls are pretty
New York girls are smart
But it takes a washington girl
To win a boy's heart

cali girls are tan
Vegas girls are hoes
But when you want the hottest girl
washington is where you gotta go

Jersey girls are wild
Texas girls are fun
But washington girls?
Come on, they're number 1

Girls will be girls
North, east, south or west
But washington girls
Always rate the best

To any man who reads this
And truly wants to know
If you have a washington girl
You should never let her go


if you're a washington girl, repost this saying " washington Girls Do It better" if you want a washington girl, repost this by saying "I want a washington girl"



so thats theirs. I saw it so many times I got mad, and made my own...


"washington girls can be pretty
washington girls can be smart
but it takes a washington girl
to destroy a boys heart

washington girls can be tan
washington girls can be hoes
so when you want the hottest girl
washingtons not where you wanna go

washington girls can be wild
washington girls can be fun
but washington girls?
come on, they've never been no. 1

girls will be girls
north, east, south or west
but washington girls
always fall short of the best

to any man who reads this
and truly wants to know
if you have a washington girl
make her let you go!!!


if your a washington girl... than it sucks to be you. if you want a washington girl... die, and leave the smart people in peace!"




so there ya are. my version, and their version. let the flaming begin... :-D

Current Mood: weird?
Current Music: shinedown - "burning bright"

so I haven't updated my lj in like forever. I'm not sure what to put... shoudl I write in everything thats happened? there would be a lot. and pretty much none of it good, I think. I guess I'll think about it, and see what I decide. if you feel I should, go ahead and comment and I probably will. don't have much else to do lately.

Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: saliva - storm

what to do what to do...

I care. she cares more. this is headed for disaster, and I can already see it. so what do I do? hurt now, and hope I was right? even when you know, theres still those little doubts. but thats the choice. hurt her now, or wait for the inevitable and more painful disaster that looms on the distant horizon... life sucks.

I kinda want to just get a tan, and go home now.

So, I'm in hawaii. Maui, to be exact... Kehei if you want to be even more exact. Hawaii is great. Am I enjoying it? Not really. I keep thinking about all the stuff thats been happening recently, and it just doesn't make things enjoyable. I've been trying to stop thinking about it... but I can't. I'm just SO lonely out here, and it makes me think of everything. I feel SO far away from people even when I'm home. so now that I'm out here? its kinda killing me. but w/e, its hawaii, so I'm just going to keep trying to have fun. And I will succeed! just not all the time... anyways, I hope you all are enjoying your summers.





Caleb




ps. Cara? I think I love you. Sorry for the other night, I really do feel bad. call me sometime

I'm really not taking this as well as I should be... I haven't eaten since 3pm and its now... 12:53am. But I can't bring myself to eat... and I can't sleep. I've been trying that for the past 4 hours or so, and its just not working. All I can do is think of everything. Think of why. Think of what I could have done, or what I did wrong... there has to be something. The only times I feel ok anymore are around the middle of the day, usually, when my anti-depressants are in full swing. So now I can't sleep, can't eat, can't concentrate, and I'm kept sane with prescription drugs. Wonderful. I love how just when things are looking up my life turns to shit in record time. I scare myself because I have these thoughts of killing the guy that took her from me... It bothers me. obviously, I would never do it... but the thoughts are there. I'm scared to go to the mall because I might see him or her... or worse, them together. If I saw him at the mall, I can quite safely guarantee I would probably go ballistic and attack him. So, no mall time for caleb. mall time = possible jail time = bad. I don't know what to do anymore... during the day I seem fine for the most part, but then at night... I'm exploding imploding and dying all at once.

Smile Empty Soul
With this knife

I let myself fall into a lie
I let my walls come down
I let myself smile and feel alive
I let my walls come down
No matter how i try i don't know why
You push so far away
You wrapped your hands tight around my heart
And squeezed it full of pain

[Chorus:]
With this knife i'll cut out the part of me
The part that cares for you
With this knife i'll cut out the heart of me
The heart that cares for you

I can't believe the way you took me down
I never saw the pain
Coming in a million broken miles
Like poison for my veins

[Chorus]

The hate and the fear
The nightmares that wake me up
In tears
The nightmares and (the hate)...


yah. thats me. just not as bad.

I hate it... this empty spot in my heart. Why is it even there? It shouldn't be. She CHEATED on me for christs sake... Why do I even care. I should just be all happy or w/e that I'm single. But... it hurts. And I just want it to stop, I'm tired of feeling this type of pain. my emotions have been stretched taut, and then snapped. Or so I feel... I don't have my usual feelings. Hate, desire, lust, like, love, happiness... Everything I feel feels... tainted. Like its not right. I haven't had this before, and it scares me a bit... I don't understand why these things have to happen like this, its such bullshit... man, pain sucks. especially when you can't understand it... anyways, I guess I'll try to post again sometime before too long.

people need to learn that when they're in my house, and I ask them not to do something, they need to respect that - not just do it again, and again, right after I say not to. and then when I reiterate not to, do it AGAIN. how disrespectful is that?? learn some fucking RESPECT, people. shit.

You know, I really wonder what it is about me that makes it so easy for girls to cheat on. I mean, what did I do? Or what is it about me that makes it so easy to cheat on me???

So, chandra's been cheating on me. Just another one to add to the list, I guess. Now I know why I've been having these horrible feelings. I can read people really really well nowadays... sometimes a gift, sometimes a curse. usually a curse, actually.

So now I'm on the market. but not for anyone, cause I'm staying single for awhile. a long while.

*cries*


oh well. fuck 'em.

you know, its incredibly depressing when you do a real soul search, to try to discover yourself... and you realize the only thing in the world you truly hate... is you.

so... probably the best thing to happen to me in awhile.., I found a game called "anarchy online" its a mmorpg, and I managed to pay it for like 7 hours straight today... probably the most relaxing period I've had in WEEKS. it was nice to get away from it all for awhile... anyways, g'night, love y'all, and I'll tty later



Caleb

wow... I was lookin through my drawers for something, and I found a box with old notes from cat and kia in it... read a couple. you know what I found? I think the only person in any of the relationships I've been in that I really, truly loved, was kia. It makes me remember why I deleted her off my livejournal... just reading those notes makes me feel heartsick. I was thinking about it... you know what? with her was probably the BEST relationship I'd ever had. we could do things together, talk, walk around... we enjoyed each others company, were HONEST with each other, and made each other feel good, and laugh. she cared about me, and I cared about her... we supported each other, and just wanted to make the other happy... and we did so. until I screwed it all up... I regret it. so much... so so much. did you know she is the only person I've been with that actually made me think of the future? I actually thought about asking for her hand in marriage once... decided against it because we're so young... would it have changed things? should I have done it? or, the biggest question of all... why do I still feel this way? yah, it does make me remember...

if you could have one wish, what would it be?

I thought about it... my answer was having kia back, or even just going back to the times when I was with her. I felt so crappy a lot then... but I had no idea of how good of a relationship I had. too bad I fucked it up...

Current Mood: sad

so, I forgot to mention a couple fairly important things... mainly, the facts that I had court yesterday and didn't know it, so I didn't go... (maybe theres a warrant out for me now, who knows?) and the fact that I'm going to get fired, because I didn't realize that I was supposed to be working for someone else today - we never wrote it down, so I forgot... gay. gay gay gay gay. plus... today just sucked. I'm such a fucking glutton for punishment...

holy shit... if I thought that one song awhile ago "taste of ink" by the used described me then... then this is damn near out of my own mouth!


Papa Roach Lyrics

Scars Lyrics

[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sow myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help to fix myself
Your making me insane
All I can say is

[Chorus]

I tried to help you once
A kiss will only vise
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That your drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last dance

[Chorus]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause your drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
You fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

[Chorus x2]



damn... sounds even better in music, too... I hate being me
:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

I'm so stressed out... between chandra, christina, school, college stuff, and work, I feel like shit, and can't figure out what I'm doing... ugh.

I was right. I am close to a meltdown. even knowing, I don't seem to be able to figure out a way to stop it. I feel like I am so screwed in life right now, you have no idea.

I almost broke down in front of one of my friends... I came so close. I think one tear slid down my cheek. its been a long time since I've felt able to cry... but it was close. Am I looking at an upcoming complete nervous breakdown in the near future? who knows... I've certainly been feeling like it lately.

went skating last night... got reminded that I'm acually not that bad at it and that I miss it. a lot. other then that... why does it hurt so bad? I shouldn't even care, yet I do. it makes me sick just thinking about how I still care, after everything thats been done to me. I wish I could just stop. be mean, for a change. but w/e. all I can do is sit and wait for it to go away. if it ever does...

feel shitty. ick.